Level Fives and Sports don't mix
by Loopsey
Summary: There's a reason why the Level Fives were never gathered in one place and made to play a sport. Crack (?) one-shot.


Pre-Story Notes: Hello, people who gave the time to click on this story.

In all honesty, this one-shot was already posted on Anime-Suki, but I decided to post it here to see what you fic readers think.

Basically, this is the Level 5's playing soccer and how it went horribly (or hilariously, either one works) wrong.

Now read on!

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In the middle of a large grassy field stood six figures, all preparing for the upcoming event and having different opinions on it.

"Why are we doing this again?" Misaka Mikoto groaned as she palmed her face with both hands, completely regretting her decision to agree with the mess that she had currently involved herself in.

"Do you think I fucking like this either, Original? Tch, we just have to put up with this shit or else the Board will be all over our asses." Accelerator growled, his fingers occasionally twitching to reach for the electrode switch around his neck. The sheer absurdity of the situation was making him _very_ tempted to tear everything apart.

"Oh, come now, you two, I'm sure that this… will be… fun?" Shokuhou Misaki started enthusiastically, but trailed off in a meek voice, barely resisting the urge to shiver from the vicious glares that the Number One and Three were sending her.

"Ho? Afraid that you're going to lose?" Mugino Shizuri mocked, sneering condescendingly to the three. She was feeling particularly vindictive that day because of the irritating circumstance that they had all been dealt.

"Heh, it seems like I've gotten another opportunity to defeat that damn Number One. I can't waste this!" The revived Kakine Teitoku spoke quietly, trying to psyche himself for the upcoming event. He'd been allowed out of containment and had produced a new Dark Matter body after becoming aware again, only to be informed of the situation that he was now 'persuaded' (read: forced) into participating.

"All right, guys! Let's win this with GUTS!" Sogiita Gunha said, practically roaring out the last word of his statement. He was grinning in anticipation, excited at the event that he was now in.

The 'event' in question was a game of soccer. To specify, it was a game of soccer involving only the Level 5's.

Many of the higher-ups thought that it was a terrible idea from the get-go and had explained why in plain terms. A mundane sport by itself was alright in their eyes.

However, everybody wanted to draw the line when the 'mundane sport' would be played by hormonal teenagers who had enough power _each_ to destroy an army.

A whistle rang out and the Level 5's turned their attention to the source of the sound.

Kamijou Touma walked up to the six espers, decked out in a referee outfit that was kindly issued by Academy City. In one hand was the whistle that he'd blown and the other held the soccer ball that everybody would be using in the game.

To his side was a young girl in white nun robes, who was carrying a large bucket of popcorn. Index was alternating between talking to Touma and eating the popcorn.

Kamijou sighed dejectedly, every alarm bell in his head screaming at him to run far, _far_ away from the six people before him. He was roped into doing the 'harmless' task of playing referee for six of the seven most dangerous psychics in Academy City because he was offered enough school credit to pass the semester.

'_Such misfortune._' Touma lamented internally.

"All right, everybody, gather 'round." Kamijou called out, the Level 5's complying.

"Did all of you already read the rules from the booklets that you were given?" Touma questioned lightly. In order to make sure that every Level 5 knew the rules, Academy City had compiled the basic of playing soccer into a booklet to make sure that there would be no rule-breaking.

"Why the hell do we have to answer that when we can memorize it in a matter of minutes?" Mugino grumbled with a scowl, tapping one foot irritably.

Kamijou sighed, having heard the question. "I already know that you can all do that, but it's all for formalities, y'know? Just try and bear with me so we can all get this over with."

"For once, I agree with you." Misaka sighed, getting slightly antsy.

"Alright everybody, get onto your respective sides and wait until the game has started." Touma said as the assorted psychics split into two groups and went to their sides of the field.

One side had the Accelerator, Mental Out, and the Railgun. The other side contained Attack Crash, Meltdowner, and Dark Matter.

Six of the strongest espers in Academy City were all being made to participate in a game of soccer. What was even more horrifying was the fact that they were allowed to use their powers.

"This can only go horribly wrong." Touma muttered with a scowl, moving towards the center of the field. He held up the black and white ball for everybody to see.

"This. Is a ball." He said simply.

"We get that, shithead!" Accelerator yelled from the goal where he was standing with his arms crossed.

"Shut up, albino! You're not the only cranky one here!" Kamijou shot back irritably, to which Accelerator could only splutter indignantly.

"Albino!?" The Strongest gaped, twitching erratically.

"I expect all of you to play with your best efforts. Or…" Kamijou stopped with a contemplative look on his face. He pointed with one finger toward the ball as if it held all the secrets in the universe.

"I will _personally_ bash you all in the head _with this ball_ until you've got a concussion." Touma threatened with a straight face.

"Ha! Like you have the balls for _that_." Mugino insulted.

The spiky-haired boy pointed to the side of the stands, where everybody could see a giant metal cage with several soccer balls in it.

"Oh I have all the balls I need. Don't tempt me or _you're_ going first." Kamijou growled with a lethal glare, causing the girl to backtrack a small bit.

"Please don't provoke him, miss Mugino. He used coffee to beat a terrorist with a gun." Index spoke for the first time, looking on worriedly. "I don't want to know what he'd do with a whole bunch of soccer balls."

"I'm going to go with the nun on that. He won't hesitate to hit you just because you're a girl." Shokuhou pointed out, gulping as she eyed the soccer balls warily.

"Alrighty then, let's get this started." Kamijou sighed, putting the ball down in the middle of the field. After setting it down, he moved back briskly with the nun tailing him.

"Come on, Index, there's no way in hell we're staying near these guys." He said, the silver-haired girl consenting.

"Okay, Touma. I was running out of food anyway." The holder of grimoires explained, shaking the almost-empty bucket she was holding.

"I'll take you to an all-you-can-eat buffet after this. Let's see how _they_ feel about a girl with a black hole for a stomach." Kamijou chuckled darkly, feeling slightly sadistic.

Luckily, the audience had simply been a whole ton of automatons, set to give applause whenever a goal was scored. The only human occupants were Kamijou, Index, and the six Level 5's.

Touma reluctantly blew the whistle, starting off the game.

"Don't think that I'm an easy target!" Mikoto said, throwing the defending Gunha off-guard as she kicked the ball and slipped past him.

The ground under her feet quickly blew up with a flash. Mugino snickered as globs of light were lit near her, ready to fire the Meltdowner lasers. The collections of energy quickly moved and circled around the Electromaster, constantly firing at her feet to throw her off as the ball rolled away.

"Oi, not fair!" Misaka shouted, lightning flashing off of her to deflect the lasers. Despite the effort, she still had to run around wildly to avoid getting struck.

"Actually, it's fair! The rules are allowing use of esper powers as long as you're not aiming to actually injure the players!" Kamijou called out from the side before bringing up his right hand to nullify the electricity that was shot his way. "Hey!"

"You only said that we couldn't hit the players! Never said anything about the referee!" Misaka grinned as her brown locks sparked.

Touma could only have his eye twitch at the quickly-abused loophole. "Touché, Biri Biri, touché."

"Uwoohhh! I can't take this anymore! I have to do somethiiinnnnggggg!" Gunha shouted, his excitement spilling over as he moved at speeds that broke the sound barrier. Coincidentally, that meant that he had disappeared from sight.

He blurred back into visibility seconds later, kicking up the ball in a surprisingly gentle manner before cocking back his fist. The boy with the black-box ability gave a battle cry before striking.

"Amazing Punch!" Sogiita yelled, punching the ball and obliterating it as it flew.

A whistle sounded out, startling the players. Touma walked out onto the field with a frown, making his way down to Gunha.

He smacked Gunha's head with his right hand, scolding the hot-blooded boy. " No using your arms! I don't care if you're doing an Amazing Kick, but arms are off-limits, you hear!?" Kamijou hefted up the scared boy with similarly-dark hair by the collar of his shirt, shaking him roughly.

"Y-Yes, sir!" Sogiita squeaked, terrified at the serious attitude that Kamijou was giving towards being the referee.

"Good." Touma said, releasing Attack Crash as he backed up quickly to get away from the boy with the incomprehensible right hand. The spiky-haired boy grumbled under his breath, moving to get a new ball.

"Back to the game, people!" Kamijou called out, the game quickly being reset after Sogiita's mistake.

"…GRRRAAAAAGGGGHHHHH! I CAN'T STAND WAITING ANYMOOOOORRRREEEEE!" Kakine roared loudly, thrusting his arms up into the air. He sprayed out Dark Matter, all of it splitting up and forming into countless balls in midair. The number of (soccer) balls was covering the entire expanse of the sky in the arena, shadowing over the players.

"Take it, Accelerator! All of these are my (soccer) balls! I'm going to shove all of my (soccer) balls into that little (goal) hole of yoouuuurrrrrssss!" Teitoku gave a bloodthirsty grin, all of the white (soccer) balls proceeding to move slowly.

"Is this allowed!?" Shokuhou yelled out a question, horror visible in her expression. Kakine stopped abruptly, looking the referee silently with the same question visible on his own features.

Kamijou took a quick look at the booklet that was next to his seat, skimming through the rules. He looked at the players and nodded repeatedly, raising his right hand in preparation for the spilling of the (soccer) balls.

"Motherfucker…" Accelerator hissed under his breath, switching on the electrode to ready his Reflection.

"Muahahahahahahaha! Dance, Sparky, dance!" Shizuri cackled in maniacal glee, having gone completely out of touch with the rest of the game as she was still tormenting Misaka with her lasers.

"I've decided! My (soccer) balls will not only shove, they'll also explode!" Kakine shouted in ecstasy. "Hahahahahahaaaa! Let all of my (soccer) balls explode into your faceeeesssssssss!"

"…Y'know what, fuck it." Accelerator clicked his tongue, reaching his own arms as he grabbed the vectors in the air and reached them out to grab a certain large object.

As he was doing that, Kakine's (soccer) balls were steadily being blasted away by the somewhat-occupied Misaka who used magnetism to throw some of the audience robots at it. Along with that was…

"Hyper Eccentric Ultra Great Giga Extreme Another Hyper…" A certain hot-blooded boy began, taking a breath before continuing as he jumped high into the air.

"Amazing Kick!" Gunha finished, lashing his foot out several times to smack away the (soccer) balls as they exploded seconds after being struck.

"Damnit, you hot-headed idiot, you're on our team!" Shizuri shouted from the ground, tempted to fire her Meltdowner at him.

"I just can't help it! Kakine is spreading his (soccer) balls to everybody and now I have to spread my own guts, too!" Sogiita explained in an excited tone, still kicking away. The (soccer) balls kept exploding in the audience, destroying several robots and stands.

"Touma, how much longer do we have to be here?" Index asked innocently as she looked at the spiky-haired referee.

Kamijou shrugged, occasionally moving his right hand to negate the stray explosive (soccer) ball that accidentally headed their way. "Probably until the arena blows up. You never know what's going to happen when the Level 5's gets involved in something."

"Oh…" The silver-haired girl pouted, completely unsympathetic to the robots that were exploding around her.

The entire arena soon started to rumble, a large shadow starting to loom over it.

"KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE! HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS, NUMBER TWO!? IS THIS BALL BIG ENOUGH FOR YOOOOOUUUUUUUU!?" Accelerator screamed psychotically, still manipulating the vectors in the air to pull down an object that he knew would make his team win for sure.

At the words of the albino, everybody looked up to see what kind of 'ball' could be large enough to blot out the sun. Everybody paled, stakes of ice driving themselves into their spines as they realized _what_ the 'ball' was.

It was the moon.

Despite having his ability weakened, Accelerator's power was still potent enough to reach far above what any of the other espers could achieve. And he had abused that perk immensely, considering that he was pulling down the freaking _moon_ just for a soccer game.

"I think it's about time for us to go." Kamijou said, picking up Index and hoisting her over one shoulder in a fireman's carry. He quickly made his way out of the arena, shamelessly ditching the other Level 5's to their (admittedly not unearned) fate.

'_Meh, they'll survive. They're Level 5's, after all._' Touma thought, not feeling remorseful about his actions at all.

As soon as the duo was far enough out of the range of the arena, they looked back to see the moon still rumbling down slowly.

"Aren't we going to go back for them?" The silver-haired girl inquired, looking at the spiky-haired boy.

"…How about we go to that all-you-can-eat buffet I was talking about?" Kamijou offered, completely avoiding the question.

"Toumaaaaaa." Index growled threateningly, baring her teeth. At that moment her stomach growled and she blushed in embarrassment.

"Do you want food or not?" Touma countered quickly, still wanting to get further away from the impending explosion of the arena.

"…So, what restaurant are we going to eat at today?" Index asked, finally dropping the matter.

Later on, a large explosion was heard throughout Academy City. The crater of the explosion was shown to have several bruised teenagers in it (They'd been protected by Accelerator's white wings, which had been sprouted out at the last minute) and numerous pieces of stones from the moon.

"And _that_-" Touma said, pointing towards the image of the crater that he was watching on the news with the still-eating Index and disturbed Itsuwa (Who had come to visit at the insistence of the Amakusa). "-is the reason why I am not overlooking a sports game that is being played by Level 5's.

"Any questions?" Kamijou deadpanned in a flat tone, staring skeptically at the two.

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Post-Story Notes: Well, that was a weird one-shot that I made…

And I don't know if Accelerator can pull down the moon or not. That would take some serious speculation.

On the other hand, this story was crack.

Meh, leave a review if you would.

Signing off for now-Loopsey


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